Both people, find arguing back and forth unpleasant. But, there are exceptions of course. There are those who actually enjoy the intensity of words, verbally firing at each other, during conflicts.
Yet, for the vast majority, arguments are uncomfortable, we would rather not have them. But, due to our differences, disagreements are inevitable. Conflicts will have to be resolved, preferably without it resulting in an on-going contentious relationship, with continuous arguments.
Because we disagree…
Our opinions become like an immovable object, steep in a believe that we are right, and others see things wrong.
The arguments come from various positions…
– There is the talkative type, that pushes their opinions and beliefs over the other person. The other person, sits quietly and withdraws, from voicing their opinions and beliefs, until, s/he cannot take it any longer.
– The next thing is, an escalation of loud outbursts, evolving into verbal insults, that could lead to an incident of physical assault, which was an unintended consequence from arguing.
-So, it is necessary to learn to argue in a way that resolves the conflict, before letting things develop into emotional conflict, with out of control anger that damages the relationship.
Is arguing harmful to your relationship?
Check out this couple’s dispute. It involves a typical argument about money.
The wife wants to lend money to their adult daughter and son-in-law. They disagree on the amount and whether they should lend the money, since the previous loan wasn’t paid back.
She wants her husband to stop all contact with him, because she thinks that his son runs around in danger and takes drugs.
She didn’t want her husband to get involved, they would argue every time he texted or tried to contact his son.
Francis contacted us for guidance because she knew that these disputes were not good for their relationship and she wanted to resolve their conflict.
When we talked here, she found something about the argument…
1. The basis of the argument is to want the other person to think like you-but they don’t
Most of us have a self-evident idea that if we agree on everything, life will be much better.
Well, we disagree, this is one of the best in life.
Francis saw that she really thought she was right on this topic, but her husband was wrong…
If it comes to his son, even if it is credulous and naive.
As we talked, she saw how much fear she was hiding, which aroused her anger and allowed it to continue.
2. Argument or disagreement can be a door to understanding
In order to see the door, you must get out of your emotions and hold onto your point of view.
This does not mean that you give up what you hold dear.
It just means that you stop and are willing to establish contact with another person.
When Francis backed away, she could see how hard she managed her husband and how little she trusted him.
She still disagrees with her husband’s son appearing in their lives…
But when she let go, she realized that she did have a choice…
Keep arguing about the way they have been, it will only create distance between them…
Or open up and really listen to her husband’s voice and talk about methods that work for both of them.
3. When you open the connection, a road will be opened for you
In our experience, when we open our hearts instead of doing what we want…
A resolution does show that we can all reach agreement.
Since Francis allowed himself to listen instead of repeatedly arguing about the same point of view…
When her husband explained what he thought of his son and the interaction he wanted to have with him, she saw her husband’s defense calm down.
Francis realized that when she really listened, she and her husband agreed more than she thought.
She could see that the son she imagined would take their money and corrupt the terrible future of their lives…
Did not happen.
Her husband didn’t want this as much as she did.
When they reached an agreement, Francis realized that she needed to let go of her distrust of her husband.
She saw that she didn’t need to be wary of their lives, but if her fears came true, things would become obvious.
Now we know that one person clinging to one’s point of view does not always mean that another person will do the same.
But what we do know is that when you open the connection, you have a clear idea of what to do next.
When your mind stops arguing about your point of view, you will see something new.
So is arguing harmful to a relationship?
The differences are given, but they don’t have to be escalated into controversies that only break the connection.
If you have an argument that needs help,