Long Distance Relationship

Leaving the Options Open or Not

Dated a guy for 4 months who went into the army last week.  The Friday before he left we spent the night together and he really showed me how much he appreciated me and told me he loved me so much. When he left Saturday we talked on the phone a while and I asked him if he was going to keep on loving me and he said ‘Yeah, for sure’.


The next day he started acting distant and we were supposed to spend Monday night (Valentines Day) together for a little while. When I texted him Monday afternoon and asked what time he was coming, he said he had a lot to get done since he was leaving the next day and wasn’t sure if he could come but was going to try.

I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he replied ‘why do you ask’. And I said because I wanted to know and if I was going to wait for him I needed to know he wanted it. He said that he loved me but wanted to be friends (emphasizing he wasn’t being cliche, but really wanted my support and friendship while he was in the military).  He said he thought it would be too much on him as a person and a soldier to maintain a long distance relationship but again wanted to keep a friendship. I was upset, and he knew it, but said if I couldn’t accept it then he didn’t know.

So I backed off and we didn’t talk much for a couple days.  When he left, we texted some but it was very awkward. I went out that Saturday night (following weekend) and texted him saying I was drunk and missed him and quoted a line of a song we liked. He texted me the next morning and said he missed me too and sorry but he didn’t get much time with his phone.

He was going to be unable to use his phone starting that Friday (2 weekends after we spent our last night together) and he sent me a second picture on that Wednesday and I replied saying I liked the pic and he was killing me because he knew I loved him so much. He never responded and left Friday without contacting me.

I don’t know what to do at this point. He mentioned he would get his address to me, but its been over a week now and I need advice.

– doinme45255

Min Min says:
March 5, 2011 at 7:22 pm
I can understand how you feel, but it’s just been a week, and you’ll get better. When time passes, when you calm down and look back, you’ll understand him. It’s better than your burning on flame when you’re apart.

If you could switch the roles, you would understand him. He couldn’t present when you needed him like before. If you were friends, and sometimes wrote to each other, things could be easier.

Since you still regard him as your boyfriend, you’re sensitive. e.g. You don’t hear from him. Do you know it’s a burden for him to be the same person in need like before while you’re apart?

He sensed it and he’s not positive about future.

I think it’s because you’re together for 4 months but not for 4 years, so your feeling is not firm enough. There’re a lot to explore.

Be natural. If you naturally love him, then you keep in touch with him. You’re together for 4 months and it’s not long enough for any of you to make promise. You’re emotional now.

You’ll get better when time passes.

doinme45255 says:
March 5, 2011 at 7:25 pm
Do you think he will contact me?
If he does should I respond?

Min Min says:
March 5, 2011 at 7:35 pm
Sure he will. You’re friends. Your feelings are the same; just that he doesn’t show it as you do for your sake. When time passes, both of you will get used to the change.

He wouldn’t contact you too soon.

When he contacts you, you should act like a friend, not a lover.

It’s about getting used to a change. You need to occupy your life by other people.

doinme45255 says:
March 5, 2011 at 7:46 pm
Ok – do you think he was leaving the door open for possible relationship later on?

Min Min says:
March 5, 2011 at 7:58 pm
Of course, but the probability is the same as no, just as any other couple who’re together couldn’t guarantee their future. What if some day you fall in love with someone else? How can you make sure you won’t change? How you feel at this moment is not guaranteed forever. Be natural.

What he does is to make both of us get used to the change. So I wouldn’t encourage you to feel you would wait for him. You need to leave your options open for him AND others.

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